


fated to pretend (oh i don't feel so well)

by pissedofsandwich



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M, brotp alec/ladies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 04:24:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6550804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pissedofsandwich/pseuds/pissedofsandwich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"When I get back to Idris tomorrow, I will work even harder so the Clave won't have any option but to promote me. And then, I will change the law. Downworlders will have a seat in the Clave, each one of them, as ambassadors--the faerie, the Night's Children, warlocks. We will all be equal before the law, regardless of species."</p><p>In which Alec is blessed with the people who support him for who he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	fated to pretend (oh i don't feel so well)

**Author's Note:**

> basically: alec is brotp with two amazing women. also: lydia is perceptive and alec talks about feelings. 
> 
> this is my third entry in the fandom. i thought i was done with this fandom, with all the dramas, but shadowhunters reminded me of all the things that i loved about this. and not to mention they were treating their representation seriously. can't wait for season 2! 
> 
> title from A Song by Scaller.

Following the events that happened last night, Alec nearly forgot about Lydia. Finding her lying unconscious in her room felt like a memory from a lifetime ago. Strange to think it only happened last night, a few hours after his wedding. A few hours after he kissed Magnus in front of the entire Institute, making a decision that would impact his family and future permanently. A decision that he didn't regret, nonetheless. And then barely a few blinks after that, Hodge. Camille. And then Jace. He felt like he was tied to a wheel, and someone was spinning that wheel very fast, all he could see was the world in blurred colors. None of it felt like it was meant to be real, and even as he arrived back at the steps of the Institute with others to wake up Jocelyn, Jace missing from his side, he wondered if all of this was just a nightmare.

It was only when he watched Magnus break Jocelyn's spell and reunite a mother with her daughter that reality finally dawned on him.

It occured to him, then, just how far Magnus' power stretched. This man had been alive for hundred of years, seen things that his mortal mind wouldn't be able to comprehend, done things that he wouldn't even think would be possible, traveled to places Alec wouldn't know how to pronounce. Magnus' soul was old, even when his appearance betrayed it. To him, all twenty-one years of Alec's life could pass in a blink of an eye. Alec realized that every time Magnus smiled at someone, decided to make them a part of his life, he did it with the knowledge that all of them would pass before him. At the end of the century, he was alone and strikingly alive, having to live for another century again and repeating the whole cycle again. How many friends he had lost? Lovers and family? How many memories had he had to forget, because it was simply too painful to remember?

Alec remembered what Magnus said to him, the first time they had drinks together. That he'd closed off his heart from feeling anything for anyone. No wonder.

He watched the gentle movements of Magnus' nimble hand as he spoke words that sounded indecipherable to him. He found himself wondering how Magnus hadn't succumbed to all the burdens he carried over his shoulders. Decades and decades of discrimination and prejudice, and yet he didn't grow to be petty or bitter. When Clary came looking for answers, he provided them. When Isabelle went on trial, he helped her, despite only having known her for a few weeks. Any time they needed him, he was there.

Alec was suddenly flooded with the feeling that somehow he didn't deserve Magnus.

Magnus finished his spell with a snap of his fingers, eyes completely focused on the book they'd gone so much trouble looking for, and the green cloud encasing Jocelyn instantly vanished. Luke caught her before her body touched the ground, and slowly, Jocelyn opened her eyes. She opened her mouth, croaked out something that Alec couldn't hear, and Luke set her down gingerly.

Clary pounced on her the second Jocelyn saw her. Alec was afraid at first that Jocelyn would crumble. He felt warmth radiating off the hugging mother and daughter, and felt a pang in his heart. It wasn't exactly jealousy, he was more resigned about the fact that this picture of love and caring wasn't what his mother and him would ever be. Or his mother and Isabelle.

He saw Magnus did a little fistbump with Luke, and couldn't help the small smile that snuck up on his face.

At least someone was happy today.

-

They brought Jocelyn to the infirmary immediately. She was weak after weeks of malnutrition, her body suffering the aftermath of the forced comatose. Luke and Clary sat by Jocelyn's side and held her hands as she drifted back to sleep--a _real_ sleep this time.

"Do you think she'll be okay?" Isabelle asked, watching the three of them huddled in a corner in the infirmary with a worried look on her face. When Magnus spoke, Alec realized Isabelle wasn't talking to him.

"Playing with potions that strong can be a little rough on your physiology, but Jocelyn's survived worse," Magnus said. "She'll be okay. Eventually."

"Good. Because she's the key to this," Isabelle replied. "Hopefully, she can give us closure. Help us find a way to track Jace and bring him back to us."

 _Jace_. Alec refused to think that Jace didn't have a reason behind his actions. Alec would know if Jace had genuinely decided to turn to Valentine's side. He knew Jace. He wouldn't do this if he didn't have bigger goals in mind.

"Excuse me," a staff approached them, handing him a sealed envelope. "I was told to give this to you."

"By whom?" Alec asked.

"Your parents. They have returned to Idris," the staff answered. Isabelle made a sour face, and snatched the envelope from his hand before he even had a chance to open it.

" _Hey_ ," Alec warned.

"It's probably the obligatory _I am so disappointed in you_ speech. You don't need it," Isabelle said, keeping the envelope away from his reach.

"I had one this morning," Alec told her.

"Yeah, you don't need one more," Isabelle said, fitting the envelope inside the back pocket of her leather pants. "Well. I'm off to sleep. Good night, big brother. And Magnus."

Alec watched Isabelle strut away from him, her heels making intimidating click-clack sounds as she made her way to her bedroom.

"Well, I should also go home," Magnus said, smiling. Alec could see the exhaustion behind his eyes, wanted so desperately to hug him and let him rest--but. He kept his hands to himself.

Instead, he said, "I'll walk you."

Magnus' smile brightened. "That's my gentleman."

-

Around midnight, Luke had to leave to care for the pack, and the newly-turned vampire, too, Alec supposed, since Simon betrayed the vampire clan. He passed Luke on the hallway on the way to his bedroom.

"Thank you, for what you did for Clary," Luke said, clapping his arm in a manner that made Alec feel like Luke respected him. "Please guide her. She's a mess, with what happened to Jace..."

I am too, Alec thought. But then again, Mr. Repressed didn't show emotions. "Sure," he said. Luke nodded once, clapped him again on the back, and left.

He passed the infirmary again, because as kid he thought it would a good idea to have his bedroom be on the other side of the friggin' building, and paused when he saw that Clary was still there.

Now, he wasn't sure how to proceed with Clary. After the initial resentment receded, he didn't know any words to say at all to her. He supposed he should thank her, comfort her, but even Izzy said he seemed scary when he was trying to be compassionate. But they were both going through the same thing right now, so maybe they could find a kindred spirit in one another.

He slowly walked toward her, pulling up a chair to sit beside her. Clary, clearly trying to fight off sleep by doodling furiously, startled at the noise.

"Sorry, sorry," Alec said quickly.

"It's fine. I was the one who..." A yawn took over her, and she blinked at him with bleary eyes. "I... forgot what I was going to say."

Alec snorted. "That means you need sleep."

"No, no, I have to be with my mother," Clary said, sounding a little paranoid. "I want to be there when she wakes up."

"At least bring some pillows. You're gonna have a crick in the morning."

"I can just _iratze_ it away, you know. I'm a Shadowhunter."

Another time, another lifetime, Alec would be enraged at her declaration. Now, it just made him shake his head. "Don't exploit it that way," he said.

"No fun," she chuckled. "Anyway... I want to say thanks."

"For what?"

"Saving my life," Clary said. "I know that I can be... impulsive. I put a lot of people in danger, and I basically ruined all of your lives--"

"Okay, that's a little too dramatic--"

"But I promise I will be better. This whole mess basically started with me, and I will do my best to clean it up as fast as I can. I'm gonna find Valentine, get Jace back--"

" _We_ ," Alec interrupted. "Not you. We. All of us. Me, Izzy, Luke, Magnus, Simon. This whole mess, as you said, didn't start because of you. It started because of Valentine. And we are going to make sure that he pays for it."

Clary looked stunned to hear him. He wouldn't blame her. For the first few weeks, all he did was bully her. Then slowly, a smile crept up her face.

"Yeah, we are going to make sure Valentine die for what he's done," Clary agreed.

"But before you go murdering anyone, you need to sleep," Alec said.

Clary looked about to protest, but then she yawned again, and finally, she gave in. "Fine. But I'm gonna sleep here, right in the infirmary, and no one will move me."

Alec rolled his eyes. "As long as it gets you some shut-eye," he said, and made a mental note to tell the night shift nurse to bring more blankets. He made sure Clary had climbed into the bed and slept before he left. It made him feel like seven years old again, when he was too young to go hunting with his parents and was delegated to babysit his siblings instead. And then he felt weird, because he did _not_ just essentially equate Clary to a sister.

Jace would be laughing if he knew.

He got up, put the chair back where it belonged, and started to make his exit.

As he passed the beds, though, he heard a familiar voice.

"That was very nice of you," Lydia said.

"Lydia," Alec said.

"You look tired," Lydia said.

"Yeah, I was about to get some sleep. What about you? You feeling okay?" Alec asked, moving to the side of her bed. "It's in the middle of the night, why are you awake?"

"I heard you talking with Clary."

"Oh, sorry we woke you up," Alec said.

"It's okay, I hate sleeping anyway. Gives me nightmares," Lydia shook her head, trying to right herself into a sitting position. Alec moved to help her, but she held up a hand. "I can do this."

Silence passed between them. Lydia stared at him, a look that wasn't exactly fond but also not that of dislike on her face. Alec took a deep breath. "Lydia, I want to thank you for everything that you did for me. I'm sorry that I humiliated you that way, and that you got attacked by such an obvious mole, I never meant to--"

"Shh," Lydia dismissed him. "Like I said, you deserve to be happy. I'm happy you did for you. Besides, it's time that our community should change. Our traditional values are old-fashioned and outdated. No Shadowhunter should feel ashamed for the things that they can't help about themselves, and no Shadowhunter should look down upon Downworlders just because we have Angel blood. If anything, I'm the one who should thank you."

Alec was bewildered. Two amazing women just thanked him within such a short time interval. This definitely didn't happen often. "For what?" he asked, for the second time that night.

"In the days that I've spent here, I have realized things that I wouldn't have if I hadn't met you and your little gang," Lydia said to him seriously.

"And what's that?"

"My purpose. My goal," Lydia announced proudly. "When I get back to Idris tomorrow, I will work even harder so the Clave won't have any option but to promote me. And then, I will change the law. Downworlders will have a seat in the Clave, each one of them, as ambassadors--the faerie, the Night's Children, warlocks. We will all be equal before the law, regardless of species."

Taken aback, Alec found it hard to find words. But he was more of a man of action anyway, so he hugged her. He was pleased when Lydia hugged back just as tight.

"That's wonderful," Alec said. "I--I don't know what to say. You're welcome?"

Lydia laughed. "Oh, it felt so good to be laughing again. After John, it's... hard."

"Well, you know what, when you get up there in the stand and ratify that new law, John will be looking at you from wherever he is right now, and he will be so proud," Alec said. "You will make history, Lydia Branwell, and I am proud to have you as my almost-wife."

"Oh, so it's a thing now? An almost-wife? It sounds like a telenovela."

"It does," Alec grinned.

"Now, come on, so I don't feel stupid about telling you my dreams," Lydia turned to him, serious. "Tell me yours."

"I never thought about dreams," Alec said. "I guess I never really had time for that. As a kid, it was always drilled into me that dreaming is a waste of time. That as a Shadowhunter, I don't have time to dream, because the world is counting on me to protect it."

"Whoever told you that is wrong," Lydia told him fiercely. "Remember what your sister said. We are all, too, half-mundanes."

"I mean, I guess I have some... but it's not half as noble as yours," Alec said.

"It's a marriage, then," Lydia guessed. "Don't worry, when I climb up the ranks of the Clave, I will make interspecies and same-sex marriage legal."

Alec felt his face burn at that, and stuttered. _Why is it that every time Magnus is brought up, I become utterly useless?_ "N-no, okay, we're so far away from that stage. We kissed once, by the Angel, it's not time to be thinking about marriage, especially when..." he trailed off. _Especially when he's an immortal and I will die and leave him alone on this earth._

Lydia didn't press. She reached out and patted his shoulder. "Hey, it's okay," she assured him. "You can tell me anything if you want to."

Alec sighed.

"If... you have the power to, to, make things hurt less for someone, would you do it? Like, say that you know you're going to pass away before he does, or ever, and you're stuck between wanting to give him your all, making the best memories and all--but wouldn't that just make your passing hurt more? Meanwhile, if you just... don't make memories, then he has nothing to hold on if you pass, and it'll be like you never lived at all. Because it won't hurt, if he never knows you. What would you do?" Alec slowly raised his head, meeting Lydia's eyes.

She looked sad, as Izzy often looked like sometimes when she spoke to him.

"Did it hurt me, when John died? Yes, of course it did. It still does. Would I rather not have met him at all?" Lydia gave him that sad look again, the look that made Alec feel a thousand times shittier for putting her in the altar, humiliating her in front of the whole Institute. "No. Because the time that I had with him was the best time of my life. I probably would never love anyone half as much as I loved him, but I was glad I met him. Memories hurt to hold on to, but have you ever wondered why demons often asked for your happiest memory when you try make deals with them?"

"Because... they're precious?"

"Precisely. Because, Alec, I'd rather be left with a thousand precious diamonds than nothing at all," Lydia said. "So don't throw away what you haven't yet have. You have tried all your life to make people happy, now it's time _you_ be happy."

-

That night, Alec only had three hours of sleep. Which was normal. Being a Shadowhunter meant that he had to be ready for surprise demon attacks at some ungodly hour. He couldn't sleep for some reason, and he found himself awake way before the sunrise, and lying in bed thinking until the sky changed colors. He only got up when he heard sounds of activity outside of his door, and wished, for the first time, that he had no responsibilities. He took a shower, changed clothes, and went to the pantry.

Isabelle, as always, was already there, dressed impeccably from head to toe in a dark blue dress and her signature bright red lipstick. She was cooking. Which. Not really good.

Clary was also there, but she was still wearing the clothes from yesterday.

"Good morning," Izzy said. "Eat. We have a long day ahead."

"Luke says one of his pack members, Alistair, has a lead on where Jace is," Clary said. "Alistair works at the dock, and he spotted an unregistered boat sailing off."

"You think Valentine's there?" Alec asked.

"Alistair thinks Valentine's there. I don't know for sure," Clary answered. "But it's a good lead. We can start from there, and... maybe then you can find him with your parabatai bond?"

"Sounds like a plan," Alec said.

Izzy grinned from behind her spatula. No one could actually see what she was cooking, but it was starting to smell burnt. It didn't deter her passion, though, and Alec admired her for that. He just hoped one day he would have enough free time to learn how to cook properly so he didn't have to suffer every time he needed to eat. "Look at you getting along," Isabelle teased. "If only Jace were here to see this."

"We'll find him," Clary promised, and there was a fire behind her eyes that made Alec see what attracted Jace to her so much.

"We will," Isabelle agreed, "but first! Sustenance!"

The concotion bubbled when Alec stared at it, and it smelled curiously of a poisonous plant they found in their home in Idris--maddening. Alec suddenly wasn't hungry anymore. He glanced at Clary and could see that the feeling was mutual.

"I--have to shower," Clary said. "And I promise my mom that I would be there when she wakes up, so. Gotta go." And with that, she dashed out of the room like lightning.

That left Izzy looking at him expectantly.

"And I--remember that I have a breakfast date with Magnus," Alec lied. Izzy narrowed her eyes at him.

"Oh, really," Isabelle said skeptically. "Where?"

"Well, Magnus knows this great Ethiopian place on the 44th," Alec said. This wasn't a lie. "We'll reconvene at brunch?"

Izzy pouted. Alec saved himself before Izzy had any more ideas, and ran.

"I don't understand people," Alec heard Izzy mutter. "My cooking tastes amazing!"

-

So, because Alec hated lying, he actually went to Magnus' place.

Lies again. He actually _really_ wanted to see Magnus.

He climbed up the stairs to Magnus' loft and rang the bell. Once. Twice. Nothing. Maybe Magnus was still asleep. It was understandable, Magnus would be knackered after all the magic he had to do to wake Jocelyn. Alec was so insensitive, he should've thought this through. Well, at least he had some money to buy breakfast. He could come back to the Institute with his stomach full, at least. Just as he was about to turn around, the intercom sounded.

"It better not be a client, because I told you a thousand times my working hours is after 12 pm!" Magnus roared.

Alec blinked. "Uh. It's me? Alec?"

And the door opened so fast Alec didn't notice Magnus standing there, in all his bed-hair glory, wearing silk pajama pants and a t-shirt with a pink, blue, and purple flag on it. Magnus' face was free of its make-up, and his hair was standing up against gravity, and he looked surprised to see Alec.

Alec's brain short-circuited a little at how _adorable_ Magnus looked.

"Alexander!" Magnus gasped. "What are you doing here? You should've told me you'd be coming this early--I would have tried to be presentable, and not looking like a mess like this--"

"Are you serious?" Alec had to cut him off. He was flabbergasted. "You look really cute like this."

And wow, congratulations Alec, that was the first time he actually said what he meant to say without stuttering even once. Alec never thought he would live to see a warlock blushing, but there it was. The slight pinkish hue of Magnus' cheeks, and the sheepish way he smiled.

Alec really wanted to kiss him.

"Darling, if you really want to see me in the morning, then all you have to do is stay the night," Magnus said.

Now Alec was the one embarrassed. Because staying the night usually implied sex, and he would very much love to have sex with Magnus, but. Not now. Magnus must've sensed this, because he then quickly amended, "It doesn't have to be sex. We can just watch Netflix all night, eat popcorn. I can cook you dinner, bring you the best wine you would ever taste in your life. You can sleep in the guest room if you want. Anything you don't want, I don't want it."

And Alec was just swept away by gratefulness. He never liked dealing with feelings. He was never good with expressing how he felt, and that came from years and years of denying what he felt. But now, he was free, and he really wanted to say what he felt to Magnus.

"I want us to have breakfast together," Alec said. "I mean, I do owe you a date, after all."

"This is the first time someone asked me out at sevem in the morning," Magnus remarked. "But I guess there's always a time for everything. Come on in. I'll magically be ready in five minutes--and by magic I mean I will literally use magic--and then we can have breakfast in the most amazing waffle house in Brooklyn."

"What about that Ethiopian place?" Alec inquire, stepping into the now familiar interior of the apartment.

"We'll save that for the many dates to come," Magnus said.

"I'm already looking forward to it," Alec smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> reach me on tumblr on mighty-poffertjes. thank you for reading!


End file.
